Ending a marriage can be heartbreaking. However, a dissolution of marriage can (and should) be accomplished with love. While you and your spouse may have differences to the extent you cannot stay together, it is normal to still feel fondness for each other and emotions that once brought you together. Allowing each other to move forward, during and after a divorce, with mutual respect is a step toward finding individual happiness.
When planning to discuss divorce with your partner, consider these three important factors:
Finding the right timing
Divorce is a complex and perhaps one of the most stressful events one can go through. Thus, not only does divorce deserve careful and thoughtful consideration so does the approach. Approaching a divorce negatively, brashly, indifferently, disrespectfully or hatefully can result in emotional distress that could ruin any hopes of a post-divorce relationship.
Instead, find an appropriate time, place and ensure your demeanor and intent is right to discuss a divorce (and the related issues) with your partner. Start the discussion by acknowledging the reality of the situation with compassion. If your spouse is upset, confused and/or surprised, allow them to express their feelings even if you cannot validate them.
Framing the goal
When the focus of the divorce process is on agreement and compromise, you can accomplish, overall, a much more efficient, less stressful and less expensive case. It may not be completely a “team effort,” but the procedure does not need to be an all-or-nothing, high-conflict or win-or-lose circumstance. Even if not all issues are resolved amicably, addressing and focusing on agreed-upon terms can truly impact the negotiation (or even litigation) of contested issues.
Introduce the idea of an amicable divorce, emphasizing that you are both ending the marriage due to irreconcilable differences. Highlight that pursuing this type of a cooperative divorce offers both parties control over what happens, by agreeing to terms in or out of mediation, as opposed to leaving decisions to judges.
Maintaining collaboration
Avoid discussing highly-sensitive and emotionally-charged issues right away. Doing so prevents both of you from feeling overwhelmed, ensuring you can both move forward rationally, not emotionally, dealing with the more challenging decisions at a later, more appropriate time and with the guidance of counsel, therapists or outside, neutral parties otherwise.
The first talk should be about visualizing the process and agreeing to separate peacefully. This understanding helps retain trust, reduce costs and promote collaboration in forming a reasonable and fair outcome later. NEVER start the discussion with your children present.
Navigating the divorce process with help
Discussing divorce with your spouse can remove feelings of animosity or resentment. While the topic can be difficult, it allows you to face reality and find solutions to move forward.
After the initial discussion, consider setting a time for negotiating terms regarding child custody, asset division and child support. Experienced divorce counsel will be beneficial by guiding their client through the issues with information and education, outlining terms to address the issues fully and properly and keeping emotions, even with the most difficult of concerns, at bay.